An Open Letter to Promoters, Coaches, Fighters and Supporters of the Abbreviated Community
It has recently come to my attention that an application has been made to the Department of Fun and Frolics to have the ” activities ” of MMA officially recognised as an endeavour of fun or frolicful fancy in Ireland.
Dear, dear friends, I am here today to inform you, why this is quite, quite impossible.
The first, final and dare I say only reason is quite simple. MMA is not an actual word. A very, very damning indictment on all counts. On any reasonable reading of the Oxford English dictionary you will find that not only is MMA not a word – it is something altogether worse – it is an abbreviation of several wholly inappropriate words.
This cannot be tolerated in any productive society. This, as a spokesperson for the Department of Fun and Frolics quite rightly pointed out, means it is an aberration to the accepted norms of society.
A spokesperson for the Department advised me that ” You will need to explain that in language the plebs will understand”
So allow me to do just that. It will be my honor to define it for you poor unfortunate fools.
Aberration: a departure from what is normal, usual, or expected, typically an unwelcome one.
Straight off the bat (Cricketing term, a proper fun activity) you will understand we cannot have abbreviations and abberations running around masquerading as sporting endeavour.
Now I know that is not something that you the dear, dear unwashed masses want to hear. But one must understand that the Department of Fun and Frolics does not operate on it’s own as an island. As that great Anglo Saxon poet John Donne has said ” No Man is an Island especially not Ireland”
The abbreviated community must understand that , In fact, the Department of Fun and Frolics must report to that great and glorious representative body of people. “The People that Run things”.
“The People that Run things” need I remind everyone have weighty matters to adjudicate on. The abbreviated community are not high on it’s agenda in the same way as say people who want to rent a home are not. The department official I spoke to wanted to highlight that this does not mean the abbreviated community are categorised in the same way as the homeless.
” While nobody gives a fuck about the abbreviated community, The People who Run Things give less of a fuck about the Homeless and it is important to draw that distinction lest there be any confusion”
This statement should be seen as a signal of hope. The People who Run Things do not have time for abbreviations, indeed in the current climate they are considering dispensing with whole words altogether. Actions are the currency of The People that Run Things. Actions and Productivity.
Non- productive units are at risk of forcible removal from their Homes (if they have one) and landholdings in the world of The People that Run Things. This dictat applies to gatherings of non desirable communities at non sanctioned events or evictions.
While The People That Run Things do not have the authority to say The above, It and The Department of Fun and Frolics are saying it anyway. Because as all you lovely abbreviated people know. What can you do to stop them saying it?
I know there is a lot of agrarian outrage in the abbreviated slums through-out this fair land in relation to recent events. However you all must surely take responsibility for the autumnal debacle in the Royal County. The scheduled re-enactment of the Battle of The Boyne was an insurrection The People that Run Things simply could not allow.
The on-site Health and saftey measure of 10 Ambulances, 20 paramedics and 100 doctors and nurses was quite frankly farcical. These are professionals trained in the care of People not abberrations. I would point out that there were ZERO Veterinarian surgeons at any of the 10 different proposed re-enactment venues.
The People that Run Things and the Department of Fun and Frolics would further point out they have NO grudge against anyone in the abbreviated community and will look favorably at any future historical re-enactments as long as they meet the above criteria. Simply put as long as a suitable number of Veterinarians and animal welfare officers are in attendance future events will be welcomed.
In a spirit of co-operation, the Department have further streamlined the process for holding events. The abbreviated community in future will only be required to prove one point with regard to venues. As long as a proposed venue is neither an indoor arena nor an outdoor arena – The event will be sanctioned. Not only sanctioned but heartily welcomed.
The People That Run Things – have informed the Government of Ireland and the Department of Fun and Frolics that they expect that this will bring to a close all questions on this subject. In short, after recent minor hiccups, Ireland is encouraged to resume it’s 30 year economic and social doctrine: Enrichment of the few by the many.
I am sure you will all join me when I say………………………………………………Hip, Hip Hooray.
M. C. Draper